Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just invented taco cereal.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
