my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
