I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
