clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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