I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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