Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
