On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
