i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
