The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
