yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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