My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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