Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
