Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
