Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
