I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
