I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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