I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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