Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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