oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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