arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
