woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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