My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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