I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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