Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
