You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
