I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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