I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
