I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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