you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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