Is it because I queefed?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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