wrigley field is MILF paradise
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
