My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
