i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
