how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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