are you still at the devil's house?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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