Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
