Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize