highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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