remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
