I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
