someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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