atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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