I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
