She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
