Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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