I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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