I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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