when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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