Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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