so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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