I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's shark week go big or go home
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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