would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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