He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
